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Court Life Lessons: 1

As the country turns it's attentions to the London riots, we took some time to consult Head Coach and accredited psychotherapist Tony Brown on his advice for parents tackling behaviour, boundaries and discipline from an early age.

It is apparent in this generation that there is a lack of value. Value of the self, parents, teachers, the law and life. To make matters worse, this devaluation is met with a loosening of consequences, the results of which can be witnessed almost every day. But where does this devaluation start?

It is clear that if we're unable to value our own life it is impossible to value others. Valuing ourselves means knowing who we are and being secure in this knowledge. This allows us to make smart choices because we have nothing to prove. This self-assuredness allows us to conclude that it is not "what I do that makes me who I am, but rather I do what I do because of who I am". Being accepted by a group doesn’t create our identity or value, rather our identity and value are implicit regardless of others’ opinion.

If, as parents, we allow our children to live without consequences or allow them to choose their own consequences, children are being taught they have rights and entitlements but no responsibility. They don’t realise that by breaking the law we give up our right to choose, it becomes the state or authority’s right to decide our consequences.

This doesn’t change even if forgiveness if offered because forgiveness doesn’t free us of our consequences - this is widely misunderstood. Consider this example; we break the law and are sentenced to an allotted time in prison. Later, those affected by our actions offer their forgiveness - we're not immediately released from prison. Although we may be released from the shame of our actions we must still pay the debt of time.

The appreciation of consequences starts with the understanding that ‘I can do what I do because of who I am, I have no control over the consequences’. This understanding starts at an early age, with parents who set boundaries and consequences that are stuck to.

This can only happen if the correct hierarchy is in place within the home and both parents and children know that they are not equals. Children cannot be equals with parents because they lack the experience and knowledge, just as it would be impossible to be a professional sportsperson without the hard work and sacrifice that comes with it.

If children are seen as equals to parents they will be unable to place the appropriate value on themselves. It makes it harder for them to become employees, workers or even students too since they believe they have equal say in their assignments and disciplines.

If children can learn from an early age that they are not equal to their parents but are subject to their parents boundaries and consequences they will in turn learn to take responsibility for their own actions and learn to value everyone and everything else around them.

Counselling can help to establish healthy boundaries through self-evaluation. By enabling you to ask yourself the right questions, to realise what rules you have in place that help or hinder what you want to achieve, you can achieve the self-assuredness we’ve discussed.